i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
