Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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