I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
