Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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