dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
