The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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