i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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