if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
