who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
