she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
