My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drake has all the answers
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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