i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
