I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
