He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
