a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
