just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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