My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
