so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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