Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
