In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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