We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
