I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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