He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
