dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
