Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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