if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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