My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
