Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
