Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
