I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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