whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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