and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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