I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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