Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
