so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
