Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
