There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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