I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
