I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize