A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
