This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
