one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
