It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
