theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
