i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
