The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
