So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
