I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
