FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
