Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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