They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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