I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
