Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
